just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I did not marry a roomba.
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