I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
