ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
