i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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