dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
