I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
