We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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