i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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