i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
