I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
