If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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