i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
