i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Randomize