We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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