Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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