after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Who died my cat blue again?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
