i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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