none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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