Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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