My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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