I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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