she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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