Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
