Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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