And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
