I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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