: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I need to wash the frat house off of me
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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