It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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