someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
