I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
