just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Randomize
