im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
