I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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