I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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