i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
