just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
