My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
