And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
