If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
