Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
