I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize