Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
