Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
