i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
