I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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