I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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