I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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