vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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