so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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