i don't like sucking hair
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
