Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize