Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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