I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
