Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
