I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
