and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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