OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
