mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
