so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
