Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
