So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
