Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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