You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
