you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize