even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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