Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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