Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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