I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
